


aì

by shuozhens



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, I leave it up to your imagination, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 23:19:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7457626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuozhens/pseuds/shuozhens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I love you so much that it's hurting me."</p><p>insp - soleil by 初音ミク</p>
            </blockquote>





	aì

aì | a free verse 

stars, beacons of light,  
always illuminating the formless night sky.  
dotting the sky like jewels,  
they form a masterpiece no one else can replicate. 

much like the ever so beautiful stars,  
those hazel eyes of his gleamed with a sadness,  
something glossy, as if it was a seal,  
blocking out all the emotion his irises encompassed. 

he had always loved his eyes.  
there was something... ethereal about it.  
they way the shades of brown gleamed shades  
of gold and silver under the sunlight;  
the way they shine navy blue, with flecks of turquoise under the crescent moon.

those eyes of his, no matter how special they were,  
it couldn't hide the spinning feelings inside.  
he noticed; he always wore those glossy layers of lens meant to grant him clear sight,  
but instead formed a wall of insecurities between them two. 

he saw him, crystal eyed, in front of pillars of self-loathing and judgement,  
the feeling of invisible eyes was suffocating around the man,  
he could feel it. 

he thought, how could something hurt such a beautiful man like that?  
what sin did he commit to deserve such punishment?

his heart yearned whenever he saw the older man,  
eyes wrinkly as he ruffled his head like everything was all fine,  
where red marks of raging storms and scars of all those thoughts he had concealed with a forced  
"im fine";

he wanted to reach into the void he encompassed,  
he wanted to reach out to destroy those dancing devils torturing him.  
he wanted to rip out that artificial construct,  
clouding his eyes with a fake sense of peace and calamity in those ever-changing eyes of his. 

if he could, he would be the one running circles into his back as the walls he painstakingly cast upon everyone near him disappeared. 

he wanted to see the reflection of the sun in those orbs of his again.  
he wanted to see the way his eyes sparkled, the way his eyes glowed with a radiance no one else had. 

he wanted him,

 

to finally be happy. 

the boy cried every night,  
for his love for the older man,  
for his admiration for his beauty,  
for society, making it as such as such love is frowned upon,  
for the hope the man gave him, which he could not return,  
for the way the older man wept every night,  
for his cowardly, stupid feeling towards the man. 

his heart begged for him to move,  
to wrap his hands around the elder,  
to lovingly wipe away those clear packages of his feelings, sent out through those eyes of his,  
to be the one there for him,  
to show him love,  
to show him the rays of light he once gave him,  
to embrace him and show him that everything in the world is alright,  
to show him how he looks like through his eyes. 

but he knew that could never happen.  
like a glass wall he couldn't shatter,  
like a fiery pit of immorality he couldn't just jump over,  
like the five years he's been itching to gloss over,  
and to forget about the gap between them,  
to forget that the world was against them,  
to forget that his feeling weren't returned,  
to forget that,

he is a mere child. a useless, cowardly child. 

so he tried to let it go.  
he stopped gazing into those jewels of his.  
stopped admiring, stopped looking,  
he tried to stop loving. 

though he kept building such a imaginary barrier,  
his heart continued to yearn for the man.  
the more he hid, the more it hurt.  
he continued crying, where he thought no one would see.  
the broken sobs and gasps of air, somehow, felt like fire in his veins, like pricks in his flesh,  
he felt as if someone tore him open and let him bleed dry. 

that night, the boy wept for the first time.  
he heaved, he spat, he made a noise so painful that he sounded as if death was about to claim him. 

no matter how much he banged his bloody knuckles against the walls surrounding him,  
not a single tear came out.  
all there was was the silent scream of desperation,  
oh, he wanted to love the man so badly,  
but yet he couldn't bring himself to.

"why can't I..?" he screamed.  
"why won't I...?" he tore at his flesh.  
"why won't it let him be happy..?"

it was when he realised he really loved him. 

after every night, the man acted as it all was still fine.  
but his eyes no longer shone with the light he once saw when they first met,  
they were dull, unchanging even under the bright sun. 

he really wanted to,  
he really did. 

but in the end, he couldn't. 

stars, beacons of light,  
always illuminating the formless night sky.  
dotting the sky like jewels,  
they form a masterpiece no one else can replicate. 

all he wanted to say was,  
"hyung, you are enough,"

all he wanted to say was,  
"hyung, you're beautiful,"

all he wanted to say was,  
"hyung, please don't cry anymore,"

what he really wanted to say is,

"hyung, i love you."

 

but he couldn't.

**Author's Note:**

> august update:  
> h-hello,,, ive re-read this and this isn't really my best work so far,,, im going to continue to work hard and improve my writing :")
> 
> octover update: no one reads this anymore but!! i removed the bangtan tag sldhlakhwe i wrote this based on jingguk but i feel that it doesn't apply??? ah,, also please check out my new works and support them vvvv much ajsdhk thank you!!


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